The Day To Day

I'm thinking too much as always.  I can't say it's heavy stuff, but feels hopeless a little more often than not.  I"m starting to think how are things work the trouble, but the thing is, why do  I view it as trouble?  Why do I think its hard?  I know living isn't easy, but its not like i can quit.  It must be the spoiled brat in me.  Deep inside I would love to think that I'm better than this, but ultimately I remind myself I'm not.  I want to think I can be more, but why be more? I'm not worth the effort.  I'm trying to think now that for my wife, I need to keep going.  For the children we'll have, I need to be better.  Like before I guess.  I have family that I should make proud.  I guess its not too late. I'm not focused enough though.  Not on my work, not on anything.  I feel like I'm drifting and just waiting for thing to crash into me.  Good or bad,  I'm just going to see what happens next. ...

A new year has started.  I'm usually get really depress when new years eve comes around.  Makes me think of how things should be, how things could of been, and how things still can be.  My mind goes all over the place.  I know myself too much, I can get a little optimistic, and next thing I know, I'm a year older and still in the same place.  Or at least feels like I am in the same place.  I'm sure I'm not alone on this. My grandmother died in December, her services were on December 21.  I cried with my mother that day. My aunt had her annual holiday luncheon for her employees scheduled on December 20th at my grandmother's house, but that didn't happen, so she had it on January 10th.  It was nice, but weird.  I was at my grandmothers house and stuff were already missing and things had tags with people name on them.  I guess there is no avoiding things like that, but it made me really sad.  My grandmother presents was missed and...