The Day To Day

Its been a while hasn't it?  Sometimes its good to get thoughts down, I just wish I made more time for it.  I do this while at work and try not to take too long.  Perhaps I do need to put more time when I do these posts.  Then again, I'm not really here to impress anyone or anything, I just try to get my thoughts in order and hopefully get rid of this scared feeling I always get when I have to go do adult stuff.  Take my job for example.  I have around three assignments I need to get done today.  I wrote them down on a post it.  I need to make phone call and try my best to get things done. It give me anxiety for some reason though.  I don't know if i'm scared that I'll fail, or what.  These things need to be done.  But I'm scared to do them.  I feel like a child that was told by their parent to clean up my room and i'm too stubborn to do it.  I wish things were as simple as cleaning up my room again.  I get feelings ...

My head is fuzzy.  I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know how to act any more.  I don't see the point half the time any more.  I don't know whats going on with me, so I"m just going to ramble and see what comes out.  Most likely a rant of an overgrown child.  Perhaps realizing that would make me calm down. I can't concentrate again.  My mind is running in circles on how i don't want to be here.  I should just stand up and leave and drive somewhere familiar.  Or perhaps not so familiar.  Perhaps I need to be somewhere different.  What would I do there though?  Stare into space, wishing i was someone else?  Wondering why I am so hung up about living and moving forward?  Have I hung on to something for so long that I completely forgotten that I was hanging on to it to begin with?    I hung on to it for so long that I even forgot what the hell it was?  It's just part of my life and stayed hidden for...

I'm thinking too much as always.  I can't say it's heavy stuff, but feels hopeless a little more often than not.  I"m starting to think how are things work the trouble, but the thing is, why do  I view it as trouble?  Why do I think its hard?  I know living isn't easy, but its not like i can quit.  It must be the spoiled brat in me.  Deep inside I would love to think that I'm better than this, but ultimately I remind myself I'm not.  I want to think I can be more, but why be more? I'm not worth the effort.  I'm trying to think now that for my wife, I need to keep going.  For the children we'll have, I need to be better.  Like before I guess.  I have family that I should make proud.  I guess its not too late. I'm not focused enough though.  Not on my work, not on anything.  I feel like I'm drifting and just waiting for thing to crash into me.  Good or bad,  I'm just going to see what happens next. ...

A new year has started.  I'm usually get really depress when new years eve comes around.  Makes me think of how things should be, how things could of been, and how things still can be.  My mind goes all over the place.  I know myself too much, I can get a little optimistic, and next thing I know, I'm a year older and still in the same place.  Or at least feels like I am in the same place.  I'm sure I'm not alone on this. My grandmother died in December, her services were on December 21.  I cried with my mother that day. My aunt had her annual holiday luncheon for her employees scheduled on December 20th at my grandmother's house, but that didn't happen, so she had it on January 10th.  It was nice, but weird.  I was at my grandmothers house and stuff were already missing and things had tags with people name on them.  I guess there is no avoiding things like that, but it made me really sad.  My grandmother presents was missed and...