The Day To Day

My head is fuzzy.  I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know how to act any more.  I don't see the point half the time any more.  I don't know whats going on with me, so I"m just going to ramble and see what comes out.  Most likely a rant of an overgrown child.  Perhaps realizing that would make me calm down. I can't concentrate again.  My mind is running in circles on how i don't want to be here.  I should just stand up and leave and drive somewhere familiar.  Or perhaps not so familiar.  Perhaps I need to be somewhere different.  What would I do there though?  Stare into space, wishing i was someone else?  Wondering why I am so hung up about living and moving forward?  Have I hung on to something for so long that I completely forgotten that I was hanging on to it to begin with?    I hung on to it for so long that I even forgot what the hell it was?  It's just part of my life and stayed hidden for...

I'm thinking too much as always.  I can't say it's heavy stuff, but feels hopeless a little more often than not.  I"m starting to think how are things work the trouble, but the thing is, why do  I view it as trouble?  Why do I think its hard?  I know living isn't easy, but its not like i can quit.  It must be the spoiled brat in me.  Deep inside I would love to think that I'm better than this, but ultimately I remind myself I'm not.  I want to think I can be more, but why be more? I'm not worth the effort.  I'm trying to think now that for my wife, I need to keep going.  For the children we'll have, I need to be better.  Like before I guess.  I have family that I should make proud.  I guess its not too late. I'm not focused enough though.  Not on my work, not on anything.  I feel like I'm drifting and just waiting for thing to crash into me.  Good or bad,  I'm just going to see what happens next. ...

A new year has started.  I'm usually get really depress when new years eve comes around.  Makes me think of how things should be, how things could of been, and how things still can be.  My mind goes all over the place.  I know myself too much, I can get a little optimistic, and next thing I know, I'm a year older and still in the same place.  Or at least feels like I am in the same place.  I'm sure I'm not alone on this. My grandmother died in December, her services were on December 21.  I cried with my mother that day. My aunt had her annual holiday luncheon for her employees scheduled on December 20th at my grandmother's house, but that didn't happen, so she had it on January 10th.  It was nice, but weird.  I was at my grandmothers house and stuff were already missing and things had tags with people name on them.  I guess there is no avoiding things like that, but it made me really sad.  My grandmother presents was missed and...

I need to find a good book to read.  Any suggestion out there?  I was thinking of continuing the Dan Brown Series with Character Robert Langdon.  , I read  up to The Lost Symbol, Still need to read Inferno.  And I think another book is coming out next year.  I didn't go watch the movie cause I still need to read the book.  Ah well. Anyway, I couldn't get anything done yesterday at work.  I couldn't focus and I just wanted to hide under my desk and go to some kind of La La Land.  I couldn't though, even if I did hide under my desk.  My mind was racing too much, and too many things for me to handle.  I shut down once 4 o clock hit yesterday.  I couldn't really talk to my wife about it because she knows i'm just acting stupid.  I guess I know deep down inside its true.  I'm conflicted, as always. Well, Today I have something that needs to be done by noon.  I guess I should get to it. Thanks for listening.

I know I don't have much to say anymore.  I use to have things to say.  Things I thought important, but I guess as I get older, I realized a lot of it was just a bunch of self loathing cry for attention.  Of course, I am my own worst critic and perhaps I am cutting myself short.... Nah, I doubt that. Anyway,  I dealt with a huge pain in my hip all weekend.  I thought it was my lower back at first, then i realized it was mainly on my right side and in my hip area.  I know I hurt it years ago.  I'm not sure how, Dr. said I sprang it somehow.  Perhaps I have and it hasn't really healed?  Wouldn't of  lasted years if it was a sprung it, so i'm thinking there is a little more to it than that.  I woke up this morning though and it feels fine, almost normal, but I feel some pain lingering. My wife asked me to schedule her for a dental appointment today.  I never looked forward to the dentist.  I just want a cleaning and I en...

Yesterday was interesting.  I told a white lie to my supervisor apparently.  I thought I saw our director pass by me yesterday morning ignoring me.  My supervisor was there and I thought saw that.  But apparently she didn't.  I thought it odd, but didn't think much of it after.  SO as I walked by my director's office, I noticed she wasn't in there. I asked her secretary if she was in earlier, but apparently, she hasn't come in at all yesterday.  So of course, I was What the fuck?  I could of sworn I saw her.  NO wonder my supervisor gave me "are you crazy" look.  So now I might be seeing people that aren't there.  Don't think i'm stressed or anything, but i guess that kind of thing is hard to determine by yourself. Anyway, I still can't focus as much as I should.  I'm trying to get all my work straight, but I feel like I'm standing still holding the bag when someone expects me to fill it with something, but I have no clue wh...