Drifting

I'm thinking too much as always.  I can't say it's heavy stuff, but feels hopeless a little more often than not.  I"m starting to think how are things work the trouble, but the thing is, why do  I view it as trouble?  Why do I think its hard?  I know living isn't easy, but its not like i can quit.  It must be the spoiled brat in me.  Deep inside I would love to think that I'm better than this, but ultimately I remind myself I'm not.  I want to think I can be more, but why be more? I'm not worth the effort.  I'm trying to think now that for my wife, I need to keep going.  For the children we'll have, I need to be better.  Like before I guess.  I have family that I should make proud.  I guess its not too late.

I'm not focused enough though.  Not on my work, not on anything.  I feel like I'm drifting and just waiting for thing to crash into me.  Good or bad,  I'm just going to see what happens next.  I don't feel any desire anymore.  I do have goals, like i want to own a home, but nothing is driving me to get it.  I want to finish the poem i started back in December, but I haven't even looked at it for a little over a month.    I been wanting to go to the ocean and hang out at Venice Beach, but with no real reason to be there, why do it?  As always, I'm talking myself out of things.  Eh, i'm rambling. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The La De Da

Its been a while hasn't it?  Sometimes its good to get thoughts down, I just wish I made more time for it.  I do this while at work and try not to take too long.  Perhaps I do need to put more time when I do these posts.  Then again, I'm not really here to impress anyone or anything, I just try to get my thoughts in order and hopefully get rid of this scared feeling I always get when I have to go do adult stuff.  Take my job for example.  I have around three assignments I need to get done today.  I wrote them down on a post it.  I need to make phone call and try my best to get things done. It give me anxiety for some reason though.  I don't know if i'm scared that I'll fail, or what.  These things need to be done.  But I'm scared to do them.  I feel like a child that was told by their parent to clean up my room and i'm too stubborn to do it.  I wish things were as simple as cleaning up my room again.  I get feelings ...
Read more

Change

  I sometimes see the day as something that needs to be done. I walk to my car every morning. I listen to all the birds churping at each other. I think of how much I love listening to it.  I rather just sit at the curb and listen til the sun was fully out.  That sounds way more satisfying than a day at work. I start my new job tomorrow.  I'm trying to get excited... but overall, It feels like something that needs to be done.  I need good vibes for tomorrow. So if you happen to be reading this, I'll appreciate any silent prayers or thoughts towards my way.  This is a good move for me even though I'm full of uncertainty.  So good thoughts, good thoughts, good thoughts.  I just hope I can do a good job there.  Please let me handle everything they can throw at me... Sorry. That me speaking to any higher power that happens to be listening.  I got a hair cut. I'm going to shave, I'm going to ware a time (hopefully just tomorrow).  My sh...
Read more

Anxiety

Usually self-diagnosable Symptoms include stress that's out of proportion to the impact of the event, inability to set aside a worry, and restlessness. People may experience: Whole body:  fatigue, restlessness, or sweating Behavioral:  hypervigilance or irritability Cognitive:  racing thoughts or unwanted thoughts Also common:  anxiety, excessive worry, fear, feeling of impending doom, insomnia, nausea, poor concentration, sensation of an abnormal heartbeat, or trembling Consult a doctor for medical advice Sources:  Mayo Clinic and others.  I looked up symptoms for anxiety yesterday and this I what it showed me.  I hate self-diagnosable crap.  I’m not Dr. and neither is google.  I do not have the ability to do so.  But after saying that, I can say right now, I felt just about all these experienced within the last week or so.  Except for Impending doom, that sounds way too dramatic for my taste.  Let’s j...
Read more